Tohru’s Birthday Present
by Lurelee
Summary: For Tohru’s birthday, Shigure decides to take her, Kyo and Yuki out for dinner. How will Kyo react when he finds out it’s an ALL LEEK AND ONION RESTAURANT? How will Yuki react when AYAME comes by? And how will Tohru handle Kyo and Yuki getting DRUNK?
1. And so it begins

**Tohru's birthday present **

**Dedication: Aaya, for being such a great friend!**

**I know there's no such thing as an ALL LEEK AND ONION RESTAURANT, but I couldn't help myself.**

Tohru was in the kitchen when she heard the paper door break, and Kyo screaming "KAGUUURAAA! NOOOO!" She was so startled she dropped the glass she was pouring milk into. And in all the noise, she thought she heard a faint 'riiing', so she ran around in the room, not knowing weather she should clean up the milk and the broken glass, or if she should answer the phone.

"Don't worry about it, Tohru! I'll take it!" She heard Shigure call from another room, and the phone stopped ringing. The house was quiet again, with the exception of Kagura kicking Kyo's ass, out of love, of course.

Suddenly, Yuki came in and sighed.

"Sohma-kun? What's wrong?" Tohru asked in a worried voice. "Are you sick?"

"No… NO! I'm just a little stressed, that's all….!" Yuki trailed off looking around in the kitchen, as if he was looking for something. "You haven't seen my shirt, right?"

No, Yuki wasn't topless, he was just cold and wanted to put on a sweater, and he called it shirt, because he was stressed and couldn't think of the word 'sweater'.

"No, I'm sorry, I haven't seen it! Maybe you left it on your room?"

"I'll go… check… I guess…" Yuki left the room, and left Tohru to wonder what was wrong with him. Maybe he really WAS sick? She thought. But then again, why would he lie?

Later that night, at dinner time, Shigure was yapping on about the wonders of his novelist life, and what adventures had happened to him THIS time.

"… And then my editor came up to me and told me she'd kill me, and then commit suicide if I EVER ran away again!" Shigure laughed. He loved teasing his editor. He loved it more than teasing Kyo.

"Shut up." Yuki said calmly. Of course, Shigure didn't actually LISTEN to him, but it was worth a shot!

"Anyway! Tohru, your grandfather called before, and he wanted to wish you happy birthday!"

"Ah, he did?" Tohru asked nervously. She hadn't told the Sohmas about her birthday before, because she didn't want to be a bother. "I'd better call him later and say thank you!"

"IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?" Kyo hollered so loud Momiji came ranting yelling the exact same thing. (Momiji is actually superman, with super fastness and all!)

"Ahh, yes it is indeed." Shigure said in an all knowing voice, while holding his chin in an all knowing way and he had closed eyes in an all knowing way. He looked all knowing.

"Happy birthday, Honda-san!" Yuki smiled.

"Thank you, Shoma-kun!"

"So, I was thinking," Shigure continued, as Yuki had interrupted him SO rudely. "We should go out and celebrate!"

"WHAT?" Tohru yelled out, but calmed her self again. "No, no, no, no, no, I can't let you do that!"

"Oh, come on, Tohru-kun! It'll be my treat!"

"It's not that! I couldn't let you do that! You've already done so much for me! I couldn't—"

"Please, Honda-san, we want to celebrate your birthday!" Yuki said and patted Tohru on her shoulder.

"Then it's settled! I'll treat Tohru-kun, Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun to a restaurant!" Shigure said mostly to himself than anyone else.

Later that night, at dinner time, Kyo, Yuki and Tohru were lead to a restaurant by Shigure, who didn't even let Tohru choose. Tohru didn't mind, though. She never does…

"Hm… where to sit, where to sit..?" Shigure looked around and finally found a table by the window that wasn't completely covered in food, with 3 and a half chairs. Shigure had taken them to a dump for Tohru's birthday. But Tohru was too happy to notice. Kyo and Yuki noticed though.

"What kind of place is this anyways?" Yuki said in disgust while he looked around. There was dirt everywhere, and the "waiters" were disgusting and gross. They were all fat and shitty.

"WHAT KIND OF CHEAP ASSHOLE ARE YOU?" Kyo shouted so loud everybody in the entire word heard him.

"There, there, Kyo-kun! You're embarrassing yourself!" Shigure smiled and didn't care about the abusive word Kyo threw at him. "Now take a seat!"

Shigure, Tohru, Kyo and Yuki sat down together around the round table, and a larger (not fat, just larger), gum chewing, cynical, big haired woman in a dirty waitress outfit came up to them.

"Welcome to 'Eat-the-Leek'. Please be ready to spend a lot of money on leek and onion." she said dully and chewed loudly while handing out menus.

Of course, Kyo hadn't heard a WORD she said, so he looked at the menu hopefully, hoping they'd have some fish or something, and found the menu to be full with LEEK AND ONION BASED DISHES! OH NO!

_Onigiri with leek… no! Who'd eat that anyways? Tohru made it once for the school festival, but... meatballs with onions and spaghetti… What? Fish stuffed with onions and miso. Now that's just plain weird…_Kyo thought this while reading through the menu.

"Hey, old bat, aren't there anything WITHOUT onions or leek?" Kyo asked and looked at the old bat, I mean waitress.

"No! This is 'Eat-the-Leek', of course there isn't anything without onions and leek! And don't call me old bat, brat!" The bat replied rudely.

"WHAT? THIS PLACE IS CALLED 'EAT-THE-LEEK'? SHIIIGUUUREEE!"

"Now, now, Kyo! Take it easy! Have some leek!" Shigure said, waving off Kyo's words in another direction.

"I'LL KILL YOU ONE DAY!" Kyo hollered and continued to holler other, more obscene things that are not for the young people's ears to hear.

But Shigure waved them off, as he has this wonderful talent of waving everything critical against him off in another direction.

"Ky-Kyo-kun! Calm down!" Tohru said worriedly, when Kyo almost passed out because he'd spilled out too much obscenity. Surely, he wouldn't be able to say anything obscene again until he was 45.

"May I take your orders?" large Marge, which is what we'll call her from now on, asked when she came back from the wilderness. Or something.

"Ah, yes! We," Shigure pointed at himself and Yuki. "We'll have meatballs with onion and spaghetti. The lady will have a leek salad, and the collapsed orange head will have your biggest sized leek 'n' onion plate, with miso on the side! Thank you!"

"Okay, have your money ready to when I come back!" large Marge said and walked away to disgust another leek-loving costumer.

**This story will have 3 chapters, I decided just now, and the next chapter will involve Ayame, Hatori and Momiji. I'm going to be gone for two weeks now, so give me many reviews to come home to. Constructive criticism is welcomed.**


	2. An unpleasant surprise

**Chap. 2 an unpleasant surprise**

**I'm back, and I'm hotter than ever! Or whatever! Here's the new chapter:**

"WHAT'S THIS?" Kyo hollered in rage. Large Marge had just brought them their food, and Shigure had, without asking, ordered a big plate with leek, onion and miso on the side for Kyo. Of course, Kyo was outrageous.

"It is leek, onion and miso on the side, just like the man over there ordered." Large Marge replied tonelessly and turned to Shigure. "Are you giving me my money or what?"

"Oh, yes, yes!" Shigure smiled and looked through his pockets, without success. "Hmm.."

"I don't like the sound of that "hmm" Yuki said casually. "You DID bring your wallet, right?"

"Well, I'm sure I brought it, I just can't find it! I mean, I remember clearly how I put it in my pocket… but I took it out again, to put some real money in it!"

"Real money... YOU FORGOT YOUR WALLET?" Kyo hollered for the second time in this chapter.

"Obviously." Yuki mumbled, as he just HAD to say it, but he still didn't really want Kyo to get even CRAZIER and LOUDER. Of course, Yuki's comment wasn't quiet enough. Maybe it's because Kyo has EARS FROM HELL? No, Yuki actually said it rather loud.

"SHUT UP, YOU GIRLY MAN!"

"I will twist your arm off, you useless cat!"

And so, the battle was unavoidable. While Kyo and Yuki was trying to kill each other, Tohru looked at them unhappily, and Shigure tried to avoid having to pay for the food because he was too lazy to go ALL the 2 blocks home and get the wallet.

"KYO AND YUKI ARE MAKING TOHRU SAD!" Momiji suddenly yelled at the top of his lungs. Kyo and Yuki immediately stopped fighting and looked at the three figures standing just a few feet away.

It was Ayame, Hatori and Momiji.

"Ahh! Aya, Haa-san!" Shigure said happily, as he was SURE they'd help him pay the bill.

"What about me?" Momij asked as if he was about to cry.

"What the hell are you doing here!" Kyo asked loudly, as he was really mad, and couldn't seem to talk with a normal voice.

"What are you talking about, Kyon-kichi? Shigure called and asked us to come!" Ayame said happily and turned around to Tohru. "Happy birthday, Honda Tohru! For your present I will give you your very first kiss." He leaned in closely before both Kyo and Yuki yanked him away and Kyo started to beat him up, kind of.

"What's the matter, Kyo-kichi? Do you not want me to steal Tohru-kun's first kiss before you do?" Ayame said, because I lied when I said Kyo beat him up. At his comment Kyo's face shifted between five shades of red.

"SH- SHUT UP!"

"Kyo wants Tohru's first kiss, Kyo wants Tohru's first kiss!" Momiji sang, and then after Kyo hit him: "Wahh! Kyo hit me!"

"Ky-Kyo-kun!" Tohru stuttered. Kyo immediately calmed down.

"Well, now when all the noise is gone, can we PLEASE talk normally, Kyo-kun?" Shigure said normally. Kyo didn't answer.

"Why are you here, Hatori?" Yuki asked and looked at the silent man with creepily light eyes.

"I have to baby sit Momiji… And Ayame." He replied.

"What are you TALKING about, Haa-san? I don't need a BABYSITTER! That's just CRAZY!" Ayame laughed, but everyone knew, Ayame was just lying. Hatori didn't answer.

"Oohh! What are you eating? Leeks, onion and Miso? So Kyon-kichi has gotten over his Leek-onion-miso phobia?" Ayame continued to RAMBEL! Everyone, except Tohru and Shigure was getting a bit annoyed by now. But that's natural.

"Haa-san, you aren't by any chance carrying your wallet filled with precious money that can pay for Tohru's present because I forgot my wallet, and Tohru will be very sad if you don't help me isn't that right Tohru?" Shigure said this very fast and without space between the words. It's just easier to read if I write it with spaces. I'm thinking about YOU, my dear reader. I love you, and you know it! … Or something.

"Uhh… Mm!" Tohru answered, without really knowing what Shigure said.

But hatori knew, and would NEVER do anything to upset the polite onigiri, so he wordlessly handed Shigure his wallet, so he could pay.

"I'm not doing this for you!" He snarled.

"Yes, yes!" Shigure happily paid Large Marge, and asked her to bring some food for Ayame, Hatori and Momiji, too, so they wouldn't feel hungry.

"Whatever…" Large Marge said and walked away with the new order.

**Was this too short? It feels kind of short. If you think this is too short, tell me and I'll make the next chapter longer.**

**Don't forget to review your ARSE off!**


	3. The Legend of Honda Tohru's Birthday

**Chap. 3 The legend of Honda Tohru's Birthday**

**Lavender-cat princess: Yes, Hatori was mad because he had to baby sit Ayame. Momiji is one thing, but Ayame is another, more annoying and hard thing.**

**Magic and sparkle: No, review your arse off is just my way of saying "please review, reader-sama!"… That and I like the word 'arse'.**

**Well, instead of making them drunk, I accidentally made them high on ecstasy. I'm sorry!**

"Ahhh," said Shigure and patted his filled stomach. "Now when we've all eaten, lets order some drinks, shall we?"

"Yaay!" Ayame agreed.

"I HAVEN'T EATEN! YOU ORDERED ME LEEK, ONION AND MISO! HOW CAN I EAT?" Kyo hollered, because he always hollers in the beginning of a chapter.

"ALCOHOLIC DRINKS FOR ALL!" Shigure hollered back.

"Err... Shigure-san, we're underage! We can't drink alcoholic drinks yet!" said Tohru.

"ALCOHOLIC DRINKS FOR ALL! ... Except maybe Hatori! We'll need a driver, right?" Ayame hollered happily.

"We're underage, you stupid…" Yuki said, but stopped himself when he realised it was too late to stop them.

"ALCOHOLIC DRINKS FOR ALL!" Momiji hollered even MORE happily than Ayame. Everybody stopped and looked at him for a second.

"ALCOHOLIC DRINKS FOR ALL!" Ayame, Shigure and Momiji then sung, while dancing around on the table. Well, MOMIJI danced around on the table, at least.

"Excuse me, miss! We want ALCOHOLIC DRINKS FOR ALL! EXCEPT HATORI!" Ayame said, or rather said AND yelled, to Large Marge.

"Alright, but I don't want no kisses or hugs!" Large Marge replied and winked.

"That thought never crossed my mind!" said Ayame, unaware of the wink.

"They're acting unbelievably drunk already, if you ask me." Yuki remarked to Hatori, who nodded.

"Yes. As a doctor, I find it strange how two grown men can get so drunk after just THINKING about alcohol."

"What about Momiji?"

"He's always like that."

Large Marge gave them their drinks, 5 beers for Tohru, Shigure, Momiji, Kyo and Yuki, white whine for Ayame, and a coke for Hatori.

Tohru being the naïve, innocent little girl she is, only tasted the beer. She didn't like the taste, so she just left it there, unnoticed. She ended up sober.

Yuki was only going to drink very little, but his brother, Ayame, told him: "Don't be such a wuss, little brother! If you can't drink like a man, how will you ever look like one?" The funny thing was that Yuki actually BELIEVED his dimwit for brother, so he drank his ARSE off. He ended up really drunk.

Kyo only tasted the beer before he got to drunk to know what he was doing. He is one of those people who just can't stand alcohol. He ended up dead drunk.

Momiji drank his heart out, and he liked it! Yet, he went home sober.

Ayame and Shigure drank like two grown up should. A lot. They ended up drunk in each others arms. No! Not NAKED in each others arms! That's just CRAYZAY!

Hatori, who was drinking coke, didn't end up drunk for some reason. To quote Haru: A mystery…

"Hehehehe… Yuki, man!" Kyo giggled.

"Yes, Kyo-chan?" Yuki replied giggly.

"I-I love you man!" Kyo hugged Yuki tightly, and Yuki hugged back.

"I love you too, man!" A teary eyed Yuki replied. They started crying.

"How lovely for them! They've finally found each other!" Tohru said, filled with pride of the two boys. "They finally became friends!"

"They're drunk, though." Hatori remarked.

"What a wonderful way to be drunk!"

"Ahahahaha! Shii-san! Shii-san! Gure-san! Look at them! Are they GAY?" Ayame laughed and pointed at Kyo and Yuki, who had fallen asleep.

"I-I think so, Aya-san!"

"HOW LOVELY!"

And they both laughed at them, until they woke up, and started to get violent.

Momiji sang heart fully: EVERYONE HAS TOOTHPICK ON THEIR TABLE! WE LIKE THE SHISH KEBAB 'CAUSE THE BEEF HAS GOOD FLAVOUR! EVERYONE HAS TOOTHPICK ON THEIR TABLE!

But Momiji wasn't drunk. Not at all. He was actually more sober than HATORI! Oh my gawd! AND HATORI WAS ONLY DRINKING COKE! Either Hatori can't even handle coke, or Momiji is really, really tolerant to alcohol! I would guess on the second one, actually.

"Tooooohruuuu!" Kyo sang happily, after he'd stopped crying and hugging and sleeping.

"Eh? Yes, Kyo-kun?" Tohru replied, smiling.

"You know… You're really cute when you smile, Honda-san!" Yuki cut in and giggled.'

Tohru blushed and looked in another direction, while mumbling "Thank you Yuki-kun…"

"Hey, rat-boy! I was going to say that!" Kyo yelled, and hit Yuki over the head.

"Shut up, baka neko!" Yuki said and slapped him back.

"BITCH FIGHT!" Shigure and Ayame hollered.

And so, Yuki and Kyo bitch fought. Shigure, Ayame and Mimiji cheered them on, while shouting "fight, fight!" But in the middle of the battle both of them spaced off and stared into space behind one another.

"Hihihihi! A fat lady!" Yuki giggled and pointed at a fat lady behind Kyo. Kyo spinned around, and stared at the fat lady. Now both were staring at the fat lady, while giggling, like Beavis and Butthead. Though they're not stoned… or ARE they?

"Down at an English fair one evening I was there. When I heard a showman shouting underneath the flair." Ayame started singing.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are all standing in a row." Shigure continued. And so, Shigure and Ayame started singing lovely coconuts. It annoyed the hell out of the entire dump, but they didn't care; they were having fun! Soon, Momiji joined in. Not because he was drunk or anything, he just loved to sing.

"Excuse me, Large M… err, Miss, what's in the alcohol?" Hatori asked Large Marge, and nearly called her that.

"Oh, just the usual… and a special ingredient." She winked.

"What exactly is that special ingredient?"

"Oh, just a healthy dose of ecstasy!" She laughed, and ran away before she had to answer any more questions that could get her, and her fellow workers in jail.

"I thought they were acting a bit strange… Drunken people do NOT act like that!" Hatori said to Tohru, because he was proud over his discovery. He would never ADMIT to be proud, though.

"I'm so happy for you!" Tohru, who could see Hatori was proud, said happily. "Err… But why is Momiji acting as usual?"

"Oh… He's immune to drugs."

"He is? That's fabulous!" Ayame popped up from nowhere and said. And just at surprising and popping he'd appeared, he disappeared again.

"What the hell was that?" Hatori asked himself.

"I don't know…" He answered. I'M JUST KIDDING! Tohru asked that!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Large Marge appeared in a pink cloud. But in reality, she just walked over to them and DEMANDED some money.

"Here's the amount of money you'll have to pay for the onions and leeks." She said and handed Shigure a piece of paper.

"334488? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?" of course, Shigure was now drunk out of his mind and saw double. "WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT!"

"Then there's only one thing left to do!" Ayame said in a "know it all" way, like Shigure did in the first chapter. I think.

"What's that?" Shigure asked and looked curiously and drunkly at Ayame.

"RUN!"

And so everyone in the Sohma family that was present, and Honda Tohru, dashed out of the restaurant and ran! They ran like hell!

And that concludes the legend of Honda Tohru's birthday. May she have a Merry Christmas!

**I read somewhere that Tohru is a Taurus, and that's great because so am I! My birthday was May 17! Happy Birthday Me!**

**Anyways, I'm not happy with this chapter, and I'll probably rewrite it sometime in the future. And I _know_ I said I would only write 3 chapters, but I'm thinking… maybe a sequel? What do you think, reader?**


End file.
